From There To Here… and A Big Fat -10 From The Canadian Judge

This is the first installment of what’s to become a regular blog feature. Just me sounding off on things that I feel need to be addressed, if only for my own peace of mind, as well as offering a personal look at some of the whacky things I’ve gone through in recent years. Feel free to comment, but keep it clean because I have a nuclear powered spam filter that’s really good at its job. As much as I enjoy a well-placed ” F ” word I’m not sure it’d get through the screen… dammit 😉

Anyhoo… onwards!

carlsizeThe other night I was “forced” to sit through another mind-numbing installment of Germany’s Next Top Model. I have no problem with allowing my Dirty Old Man gene to get excited over watching sweet young things flouncing their way through various exercises dreamed up by Heidi Klum’s team of producers, and in all honesty I’ve even found myself rooting for a couple of them. What drives me absolutely fricking insane is the whole judge / jury /executioner bit at the end where Ms. Klum tries to build up the drama with her moronic public speaking “skills” as she gives one hottie her walking papers for that week.

“I have to say… (pause) … your performance this week … (pause) … was really fucking …. (really big pause, cue evil music)… awful. And we really think….. (pause) …. that….”

Heidi! Shut up! You sound like William Shatner! Get that bikini on, bounce for me, but shut the hell up!

It got me to thinking, though. What the heck is this preoccupation society has with being judged? Oh yeah, sure, that whole spotlight thing, 15 minutes of fame, blah blah blah. If you’re an athlete in competition, that’s one thing, but this garbage of (Insert Country Name Here) Idol, Dancing With The Stars, Britain’s Got Talent (just in time for the next episode), Flopstars, Top Dogs, Betcha Can’t Cook Like That 5 Star Chef Over There… the list goes on and on, getting progressively worse the lower you go. Production teams are sitting in their boardrooms trying to dream up the next runaway hit “reality” / “talent” show, each one more desperate than the last. Casting calls for the next batch of sheep.

Lamb chops, anyone?

I have an idea, why not take things a step further and have jury panels set up for EVERYTHING involving daily, average, mundane life? Instead of judging how well somebody has whipped up a 35 course meal in 20 minutes, how about restaurant patrons being judged on their table manners, how well they did eating that plate of broccoli, and their ability to pour wine?

Judge #1: “Well, I have to say, that was probably the most disturbing use of a lobster fork I’ve ever seen.”

Judge #2: “I had a problem with the fact I could see your tonsils from across the room as you were chewing…”

Judge #3: “The embroidered napkin was not meant to be used as a snot rag.”

Even better, how about a panel to judge the quality of sounds emitted in a public washroom? A well dressed trio set up in front of the bathroom stalls at Markville Mall — “Can I get some more reverb on that?”

Or, how about a new show called Idle Idol? Take all the winners from years gone by and hear their tales of woe about how they discovered it was all a sham meant to boost TV station ratings.

What happened to simple entertainment? Put the TV on, giggle your guts out watching Three’s Company, follow that up with an episode of MacGyver, maybe catch that rerun of Law & Order before bed. None of this crap of hearing on the news how Bobby J. Fashioncrime was voted off the island due to his questionable body odours, no blaring headlines about how some ego-squooshed-singer-turned-future-porn star is going to sue the studio for letting everybody know they thought she was a twat.

I used to bitch about how there was nothing on TV. I’d give anything for an evening of being able to flip channels and NOT see someone being rated, judged or competing for a chance to be somebody. I don’t feel sorry for the people that set themselves up for these on-air car crashes, but I think it’d be cool if folks would go back to taking a shot at being stars the hard way. By working for it.

Hey, there’s a novel idea! Someone call the studio..!

Just find Heidi’s bikini and get some gaffer tape for that mouth.

4 thoughts on “From There To Here… and A Big Fat -10 From The Canadian Judge”

  1. Damn right! It’s all annoying and stupid, but what is disturbing the most is the fact that people actually think that those contestant ARE or BECOME somebody. Which is obviously wrong.


    Hell is other people…and their TV stations.

  2. In Canada there is a TV show called, “Canada’s Worst Driver”, and another called “Canada’s Worst Handyman”. I have no interest in either of these shows, but I do have to wonder just how pathetically desperate are these people to get on TV that they volunteer to be on a show that will clearly prove they are from the shallow end of the gene pool.

    What I think the TV networks should create is a reality show called “The Darwin Awards”, where volunteer contestants are given the opportunity to participate in various activities that are clearly lethal. The season would last as long as it takes to kill off all but one of the contestants; the lone survivor would win a ca$h prize and be offered a chance to return to compete in the following season. Don’t get me wrong, I have no interest in watching this kind of show, but at least it would be making a positive contribution to society.

  3. Very well thought out and informative. I’m sure many others enjoy reading this too, but are just a little scared to post – anyway – thanks again! From Chuck in Houston

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