Journalism For Dummies: Discredibility Made Easy

by carl on May.09, 2010, under From There To Here...

GrowUp Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to direct your attention to the kind of stupidity that gives responsible journalists a bad name. Click here and read through the Danko Jones review. Then come back to this page and watch my head spin around.

(Cue sarcasm, as I failed to provide an instruction manual and folks really believe I’m this dense. My own damn fault, I suppose, having expectations…)

For those that couldn’t get through more than a third of the steaming turd hanging on the end of that link, the “writer” received a promo copy of the new Danko Jones album (for free) notched into 88 tracks so that it can’t be copied onto computer or burned onto CD-R without Danko sounding like he has a stutter. It plays fine on a CD player without a hitch or a twitch, but it seems that isn’t acceptable for Fishboy. My guess he wanted to burn it for his girlfriend, boyfriend or favourite farm animal and found himself shit out of luck, thus deciding to take his frustration out on the artist by writing a “hilarious” review centered around the potential hop / skip / jump silliness that ensues when you put an 88 track CD on shuffle. In the end Fishboy deemed the album crap and not worth anyone’s time.

Reading between the lines of this so-called “review” – and there aren’t quotation marks big enough to illustrate the disgust I feel for even implying said tripe is even close to being a critique – it seems that Fishboy has an issue with the promo CD copy protection more than the music itself.
Whether the review is a product of the writer’s ineptitude in understanding the finer points of today’s music industry (assholes upload music illegally = labels / artists try to protect themselves from getting screwed) or a genuine dislike for Danko Jones’ music, bottom line is the piece illustrates why certain people shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a computer, iPhone, PalmPilot, iPad or steam powered typewriter. Ironic given that the Willie Nelson review that appears on the same page, also written by Fishboy, has some substance even though it displays about as much style as a fashion line designed by PeeWee Herman.

Seventeen lines (and I cannot believe I actually counted them) that say absolutely nothing, bent on making Danko look like a jerk-off.

Fail.

The only jerk-off here, Fishboy, is you. If you’re going to pass judgement on an artist’s work at least tell folks WHY said maestro makes you blow chunks. But in case you didn’t catch that, I’ll simplify it for you. Next time you write a review, regardless of whether you’re praising or carving the artist at hand, put a mirror beside your monitor and paint the following rune on your generous forehead with a Sharpie:

Worse than Fishboy’s “writing” (I think my quotation marks are running out of pixels) is the fact that the publication’s editorial staff actually saw fit to print this garbage. Granted, the little man seeking a prose-laden penis enlargement could in fact be one of them, but on the off chance that he’s not:

ARE YOU PEOPLE OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MINDS?!

I’ve been a music journalist for 17 years and have had the privilege of working with some fantastic writers and editors. Talented and responsible individuals, people that I’ve learned from and ultimately made and continue to make me a better writer (except when I blog about assholes, in which case everything falls apart). It’s safe to say that if I were to submit a piece similar to Fishboy’s – as there is no way I could duplicate that exact level of idiocy – they would have pounded me within an inch of my life. Not only does the review that started this whole rant make Fishboy look 10 steps past useless, it calls the credibility of the people behind the publication into question.

When the unruly kid is running around the restaurant bothering the other patrons and making an unholy ruckus because it can, the parents are the ones that deserve a slap upside the head. Food for thought, and certain powers-that-be desperately need a five course meal.

8 Comments for this entry

DJL
May 9th, 2010 on 1:33 pm
When I first read your article, I was kind of surprised that you were getting all upset that some loser on teh interweb was acting like an idiot. I’d never heard of “SEE Magazine” and based on the quality of that review figured it was just another crappy webzine “written” by some under-educated, over-opinionated, angry loner with some computer skills who managed to scrounge up the $50 a year necessary to run his own website. Why let some anonymous web moron get to you? But then I did a little more digging and discovered that “SEE Magazine” isn’t an attempt by some 30 something loser still living in his Mom’s basement to pretend he’s a real journalist. It’s actually published by a community newspaper company that produces 24 community newspapers in western Canada (http://greatwest.ca/GWNGL/corp.htm).

And now I understand why you’re so pissed off. Granted that Great West Newspapers is only a small company, but it’s still supposed to be a credible and professional newspaper and magazine publisher. They’re the kind of news source that I’d expect to have standards. It’s really too bad that they obviously don’t. One can only hope that the rest of their magazine is as lousy as fishjerk’s review, and that maybe the people of Edmonton are actually turning to some other source for professional music and entertainment news.
PiercingMetal Ken
May 9th, 2010 on 2:56 pm
Go get ‘em Carl, these are the kinds of idiots who make this all the more harder for others to do. It’s bad enough all of the industry cuts and dramatic shifts have changed the usual way of doing things but when unprofessional folks like this get posted it just messes up the game for all. I also hate the multi-track CD’s but would never discuss that over the artist whose work is needing some analysis. Oh well.
david
May 10th, 2010 on 1:30 pm
Agreed. I’m glad you called them out on that review. It’s a horrible piec of journalism
Josh
May 14th, 2010 on 1:38 am
Umm…I think that it’s pretty obvious that Fish is using a subversive technique – ie. shuffling the 88 separate tracks – to make his point: the album is shit and should be avoided at all cost. Do you really think that he reviewed it by listening to it on shuffle? No, instead of simply writing that he found the album to be a mushy pile of tired garbage, he implies that you could randomly listen to all 88 tracks and never hear anything but tired, misogynistic lyrics and wanking guitar solos. A music journalist’s job is to tell people what albums to stay the fuck away from and save their money – that’s why people read reviews – it’s not a music journalist’s job to give a “nice try” pat on the back to every shitty album he listens to.
You just wrote a lovely Danko fluff piece (http://carlbegai.com/2010/05/01/danko-jones-raw-like-sushi/) so I understand why you want to protect him. Also, writing a nice long piece about how awesome Danko Jones and then putting a link at the bottom of your “Raw Like Sushi” piece like you did isn’t called journalism, it’s called PR. Discredibility made easy? It’s really easy to discredit you, Carl, because you’re a shill, not a journalist, and you embarrass yourself with your exasperated flubbering in response to what is Fish’s creative way of saying that this album sucked balls.
carl
May 14th, 2010 on 2:12 am
“Subversive” doesn’t have to come off as infantile. That’s how I read Fish’s review. It’s the sort of thing I expect from a Blabbermouth drama queen. As for my interpretation of his 88 track shuffle, you sound intelligent so don’t be thick. There’s this thing called sarcasm, look into it. Or you can use the word “subversive” if you wish.

For the record, I don’t care one bit whether Fish likes the record or not. That wasn’t the point. I don’t need to “protect” anyone and he’s entitled to his opinion.

As for that “not a journalist” comment… ouch. That hurt. Really…
Brian
May 14th, 2010 on 2:05 pm
“For the record, I don’t care one bit whether Fish likes the record or not. That wasn’t the point.”

I too would like to know the point. From what I gather, you and your club of “citizen journalists” believe that you can do a better job than the “lamestream media” and your plan is to whine about it until you … get your way? You’re weak, amateur.

When you’re done blowing Danko in the back of his Cadillac, you should read a definition of music criticism. The second word is as important as the first.
carl
May 14th, 2010 on 8:10 pm
Since you missed the point, genius:

“If you’re going to pass judgement on an artist’s work at least tell folks WHY said maestro makes you blow chunks.”

In spite of what I may think of Josh’s view, he’s at least articulate and is able to present an argument.

As for “getting my way” (whatever the hell that means)… if that happens it’ll involve Megan Fox, a case of champagne and a long weekend. I could care less where Fish goes from here, but just as I’m subjected to your admiration because I put my neck out, he invited the same kind of abuse when he stepped up with his two cents.

Big deal. Move on.
david
May 16th, 2010 on 5:33 pm
I’m on Carl’s side here. It’s cool if Fish hates Danko. But he should have critiqued the album. Simple. It’s his job. A job he should take more seriously.The one needing protection here is Fish. We’re all trying to tell him he comes off looking foolish when he prints a review like that. And it’s an insult to the people who put in the work to make that album. The engineers,the band, the record companies and so on. 0 Stars???? Really??? The single “Full of Regret” is top 10 in Canada by the way. The highest in Danko’s 15 year career.