Yes, You Can Be A Celebretard…

NameWhen and their tabloid ilk first ran “stories” on Bennifer I quite honestly had no idea what they were talking about. It took a few revolutions of my brain to realize they were referring to Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez in the happy throes of their eventually doomed relationship.

Neat play on words, I thought. It works. The end.


The mental midgets who feed the tabloid media don’t know when to quit, of course, and will flog a horse until its bones have been reduced to powder. Thus they gave us K-Fed, J-Lo, and the infamous Brangelina, thinking they were oh-so-innovative and cute in giving the world a blanket term for Hollywood’s most popular power couple, dumbing down anyone who dared come near a celebretard “news” report. But, whatever, let ‘em have their fun. It’s not like the morons who use their magic Scrabble boards to come up with this shit are doing me any real harm.

Until now.

I will not under any circumstances refer to Scarlett Johansson as ScarJo. No, never. Not in a million fucking years. Bad enough they Siamese-twinned Angelina Jolie to her hubby, but reducing Johansson’s name to a one-liner? I’ve seen the previews for Iron Man 2, I grew up with comics and the Black Widow character she plays in the movie, and I can tell you that the hotness of she in that role entitles her to a full name, dammit. Name a month after her while you’re at it.

What kind of world do we live in where mainstream online media like CNN, Yahoo, Google and all related “respectable” news outlets follow the example of tabloid monkeys? How goddamn lazy has society become that an extra syllable or two risks the possibility of having to be hospitalized for Undue Strain Of The Tongue Muscle or Premature Deterioration Of That Thing You’re Supposed To Be Thinking With?

What’s next? “Ladies and gentlemen, the President Of The United States, Bo!” Sounds like he’s being introduced by George W.

Oh wait, they use that one, don’t they?

I can see it now. Regular circles of “average” and “normal” folk getting sucked into the media line of thinking. It’s only a matter of time before we catch ourselves doing this shit without batting an eye:

“Nice to see you. This is my girlfriend AlFe…”

“When I get home I’ll be hanging out in every stinking bar I know with TreLa.”

“Hey, check out the kick-ass new Life, Love And Pants blog from BeWa…”

“Going out for drinks with TaNick and the grrlz tonight…”


About the only person safe from this shit is my buddy Marco. His brother SerCo, not so much.

Bad enough that it’s Acronym Alley in the metal biz these days, where the average itinerary can potentially read like a Periodic Table gone mad: COB, NIN, BTBAM, JFAC, OTR, TTEOTD. The chemical compound for the sonic demolition of very large buildings. Bah.

I love my job but I hate the media. Small wonder.

One thought on “Yes, You Can Be A Celebretard…”

  1. Thanks for the shout out. I too, hate this stupid ass shortening thing they’ve got going on. How lazy to you have to be? I also hate it when the kids shorten stupid words, like “OB” instead of “obviously”.

    Makes me want to PTITF (punch them in the face)


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